Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
