I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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