Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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