I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
