I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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