So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
