Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
