Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
