she woke up with a sticky ear
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
