The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
