She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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