The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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