Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
