The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
