a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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