I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Randomize
