Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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