girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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