I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
