no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
