its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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