my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
