I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
