I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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