I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
