my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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