I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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