We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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