I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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