I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
