i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
