I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
