i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
