woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize