If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
