Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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