New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
