Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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