No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
