She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
