dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
