I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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