You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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