I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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