I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
