I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
there was a trapeze. enough said
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize