I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
