I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
