How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
