he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
