i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
worst night to have a conscience
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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