Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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