I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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