I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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