youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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