You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
